Teaching Children About Consent & Boundaries

© Michelle Chan
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[Warning: This may be especially triggering to those who have experienced sexual assault/abuse or to those who have loved ones experience trauma.]

Ever read the news about a child having been sexually assaulted/abused and thought, "That's never going to happen to my child(ren)!" How can you be so certain? Do you plan on never letting your child out of your sight? Or what about hearing stories of adults who spoke about having been sexually assaulted as a child/teen?

Abuse is one of those topics that is uncomfortable for many to even think, much less talk, about. Which means discussions about sexual abuse, especially regarding children, is that much more difficult to bring up. But we must!

Why?

​Talking to children about consent in regards to their physical and emotional well-being is one of the most important lessons a trusted adult can bestow upon them. When children are young, they are unaware of the potential dangers there are in the world, for they have not seen/heard/experienced as much of the world as we adults have. Which is a good thing in many cases! However, children also do not know what may be considered "right" or "wrong," and can be easily manipulated to think or act in ways that they may not feel "comfortable" with by those they love and trust. There are no bright red signs on people's foreheads warning us not to trust them with the little ones we have in our lives. Sometimes, the people we have known and loved for our entire lives can surprise and shock us in the most unsuspecting ways.

Photo by Ilya Yakover

Don't believe me? Still think it's never going to happen to you and/or your loved ones? According to The National Center for Victims of Crime:

• 1 in 5 girls and 1 in 20 boys is a victim of child sexual abuse
• 3 out of 4 adolescents who were sexually assaulted were victimized by someone they knew well
• Children are most vulnerable to child sexual abuse between the ages of 7 and 13
• 28% of U.S. youth ages 14 to 17 had been sexually victimized
• 1.6% (16 out of 1000) of children between the ages of 12-17 were victims of rape/sexual assault

(Let's also be clear that child sexual abuse is not only when there is physical contact, but also include exposure, voyeurism, and child pornography.)

So where does one even begin a conversation like that? Depending on the age of the child/teen, the conversation you have may start or go about a bit differently. But if you have a child around 8 or 9 years old, maybe something like this would do the trick:

You: Hey! Do you know what boundaries are?
Child: No, what is that?
You: Well, boundaries are kind of like a bubble. A bubble that surrounds you. Everyone's bubble is a different size and the bubble can shrink or enlarge depending on who the person is with. When you're with someone you trust, you may feel comfortable having them stand close to you. [Put arm & hand about 1 feet away from your body to indicate possible closeness.] When you're with a stranger, you may feel more comfortable having them stand/sit farther from you. [Stretch arms and hands to both sides of you, as far away from your body as possible, to indicate possible amount of space needed to feel comfort.]
Child: I think I get it...
You: Great! So depending on who you're with, your bubble can get smaller or bigger. But! You know how when you go to the doctor and the doctor touches you in different places to check to see if you're healthy?
Child: Yes.
You: Well, you wouldn't want someone who isn't your doctor touching you everywhere right?
Child: Nope, I wouldn't.
You: That's right! Your body belongs to you! It doesn't belong to your mommy or daddy. It doesn't belong to your teacher. It doesn't belong to your {sports coach, family member, etc.]. And even when you go to the doctor and you feel really uncomfortable, you can tell him/her that! If anyone touches you or tries to touch you, tell them in a firm voice, "Stop!" Then make sure you tell someone you trust. Your body belongs to you. Who does your body belong to?
Child: Me!

It might take some practicing in your head or in front of a mirror before you figure out the wording you're comfortable using with your child. But know this, it's always better that you do it "imperfectly" (because who's perfect anyways?!) than not have this vital conversation at all!

If anything, maybe start with the following video that talks about consent! You might need to explain some of the words to your child if he/she is a bit younger, but it's a great first step!

If you or someone you know, especially a child or minor, has experienced sexual abuse or abuse of any kind, reach out! I know it's hard to seek help sometimes and open up the pain to someone else, but it's infinitely more difficult trying to go through it alone without professional help and/or guidance.

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“No. Is a complete sentence.” – Anne Lamott